Rambles, On Doubt and Love.

This is what happens when I sit down and type. I don’t know. I started out with a prayer. It turned into a ramble that flowed into something that kinda’ sounded Ok. So, I don’t know. This is just me.

 

God, I feel called to write. What shall I write about. I don’t want to just write for the sake of writing. I want to write what You need to be said through me. I am Your vessel. I am your life. This life I live— it’s for You. 

I get distracted sometimes, though. Often, I forget why I’m living. I give myself some other excuse to do some other thing that’s only keeping me from You. 

I want Your will to be done, in me. I need Your will to be done. I understand that I cannot live without You, Jesus. I literally can’t live. You are the only hope. 

This love thing we’ve got going on, I want it to grow stronger. The bond between You and me— I pray it becomes a stronghold that others look to, for hope. Not so people will look to us, but because of me and You. Because we’ve got this love that is so powerful, it must not decrease. The only option I choose to see is it rooting deeper and deeper into a love no man can fathom. So strong and intimate, even my human self can’t understand and I’m left in a state of awe, just knowing that I’m in this love. Not understanding it. Not knowing how or what it really is. Just awe and wonder. 

I know it runs deeper than awe and wonder. It goes much farther than the enjoyable things. Love is commitment. Love is fighting for something. And being relentless in keeping it. Love is giving all of yourself to something no matter what, under any circumstance. No going back. No giving up. And for sure, no running. 

In Love, you want to run, sometimes. Running seems like the best option. But remember, this is Love we’re dealing with. Love doesn’t give up. Love doesn’t hide. Love doesn’t run, when the going gets tough. Love stays. And Love loves. As faithful a creature as Love is, we must show the same respectable steadfastness, in return. Besides, you know that deep down inside your bones, you want to stay. No matter how hard it gets. You want to stay.

Calm down. Take a breath. Let’s sit and think about this for a minute. This hurts. This love thing really hurts, sometimes. And sometimes, it’s really hard to remain. It’s really hard to remember that you committed yourself to this. No turning back. Yea, this thought gets overwhelming. But at the same time, it’s the thought that makes you giddy inside and grin from ear to ear, knowing that you’re safe. You’re safe, in this Love. 

About this time, you recollect yourself and you remember why you’re fighting. You remember why you started and you’re thankful for the doubt you had, because you’re stronger now. Now, you’ll know how to handle that measly but fierce creature, next time he comes sneaking around. Now, you have a better footing and you know a little bit more about how he works. You know how to prepare. So when Doubt strikes again, you’ll be ready.

Don’t get me wrong now, you’ll probably fall to Doubt again. But now you know you’re stronger and that you can get back up again.

 

a girl rambling to God

~Olivia~

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